getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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