im six kinds of drunk right now
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
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