as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
