apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize