We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
