I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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