I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize