Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I can't turn off my feet"
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
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