Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize