why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Randomize
