Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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