Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
