Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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