ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
