Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
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