I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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