I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
