Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
so that wasnt chicken after all
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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