Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
