i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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