You smell like a Billy Joel song
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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