I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
