hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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