you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
