getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
