its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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