god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
