you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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