Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
