I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
