2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Randomize
