I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Dicks are not precious.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
