life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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