my phone needs a breathalizer
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
