I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
