Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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