You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
