Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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