just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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