I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
