I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
