I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Randomize
