his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
