I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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