Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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