At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
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