I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
