The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
