Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
