When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize