My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
