College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
