We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize