i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
