i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
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