Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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