Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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