Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
