the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize