i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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